4 Motorbike Fallacies

Safe is cool, unless you're a moron. (Photo by Chyrel Gomez)

These are some of the things that many motorcyclists think.

The bigger the pipe, the more macho they are.

There is a multi-million industry that relies on morons who think this way. (Hint: go around Colon St. or Estancia, Mandaue) These same morons think that the more useless bike parts replacements they game, the hotter they become. Sure those parts look cool but they only attract other men’s attention. Upgrading their bike is nothing but concealed/subtle/subconscious homoeroticism.

How to stop them: You can’t. They won’t stop until their bikes are taken away from them because they stopped giving the monthly payment because they spent their money on “upgrades.” People who have money and fall in this category are unstoppable but be happy because their pointless spending created lots of below-minimum-wage jobs.

They bought all the surface on Philippine territory the moment they bought their motorbike, sidewalks and your bedroom included.

This explains why motorcyclists honk at you when they are five inches from breaking your ankle when they illegally ride on the sidewalk. If their handlebar can fit in, they will ride on even if it leads to your bathroom. These are people who got their license from either Copytrade or Timezone.

How to stop them: (1) Make them run over you (an option similar to getting yourself nailed to the cross for the sins of humankind). (2) Don’t get out of the way. They are idiots so you have the right to ignore the annoying thing they do with their horn.

Weaving through traffic at 60kph is safe

You will not inconvenience the vehicle owners whose rear you will run into, you don’t put the well-behaving motorcyclists’ life in danger, and you will never run into a pedestrian who just crossed the street because the car ahead of you gracefully stopped because there’s a pedestrian lane.

How to stop them: All the people in this list are idiots so you can’t. I don’t even know where there’s a “how to stop them” part. They might behave after they lose a leg but until then they will keep asserting their imagined superiority on the road.
These people don’t have any talent or quality they can be proud of so they try to compensate by appearing “cool” on the road. Encourage kids to take up sports so they don’t end up as adults who always look for every pointless chance to compete. Competition is a primitive drive that must be channeled through healthy activities such as sport so you don’t end up being a jerk manifesting it on the road.

A motorcycle is either at rest or in full-throttle

These are superhumans who really end up being men of steel: steel arms, steel legs, steel lungs…to name a few ugly parts. They sideline as crash dummies: a work which they do without pay for the sake of science and yellow journalism. They would have been great if they don’t put other’s lives at risk.

How to stop them: Pray to God that a concrete jersey barrier pops out in front of them.