Thanks a lot, Snake, you’ve ruined my ride

This entry is for snakes. If you’re not a snake don’t continue reading. This whole thing only makes sense to snakes. I was riding Panas downhill track, feeling the universe and the weather in harmony for a perfect ride. And what do I find in the middle of the single track? A Snake ™ chillin’ and going about his business blocking my way. At first I thought it was a VHS ribbon. It could easily have been. It could have been the 15-second clip of Jack and Rose kissing, or it could have been Zorro jumping on to his horse, or any loose scene dispossessed of its wholeness. But no. It’s not a VHS ribbon. It’s a snake chillin’ the afternoon away on my favorite downhill track. That got me mad. (Actually, I was ice-cold scared when I was there but now that I’m far from any snake-ish danger, I’m brave enough to be mad.)

That’s right. I’m very mad right now for the snake for being in the wrong place. If it weren’t for the menacingly familiar glaze on its skin, I wouldn’t have know. Plus its fleshy, scaly belly sneaked right up in the middle of its four-foot frame. That thing could have bit me if I hadn’t noticed it. But I had the sense to get off my bike several feet from it. Then I held my bike on the saddle and pushed it way ahead of me to do the honors of introducing our presence to the snake. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I assure you that I didn’t close my eyes. My brain just probably froze, or something very close to that.

But I did see the snake dart right back into the bamboo neighborhood in literally a second. I didn’t know how the guy did it. His head was like on the other end and he made a u-turn so fast and sleek, he could have been some race car superstar. Good thing he didn’t make his way towards me. Or I would have been bitten me before I realized that I was really bitten.

I just feel very strongly about this whole snake business. I mean, I’m thankful that he did not bite me. But what if he did? It would be very wrong to bite a guy just because he gave you the scare. For all he knew, I was more scared that him. I just don’t have the guts to bite first. Dear snake people, why would you bite a guy for scaring you unintentionally? Where are your manners? I know this whole territorial imperative thingy has always been an evolutionary fad. But I like my personal space just as much as you love your own territory. We’re practically on the same page so why do we even have to bite each other?

You guys think you’re so cool because you have venom? Well snake I’m cooler than you because I got dreadlocks. You don’t even have a single hair. Being bald is not cool unless you’re the lead vocals of an alternative band and can sing “The Scientist” really well. Dreadlocks win any given track, any given day.

You've ruined my ride. The whole time I felt some of your homeys would pop right in front of me. So let’s stay away from each other. I’m gonna keep riding my bike and you keep chillin’ where nobody can bother you.